Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. 

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." 

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" 

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. 

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. 

The third nun fainted.

An Old Accountant

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Classroom

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.  

She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. 

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. 

Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. 

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: 

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Two Deaf

Two deaf people get married. 

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. 

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? 

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. 

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

The way of Thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

100 Bucks

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

The Alien

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. 

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. 

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. 

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" 

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" 

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." 

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. 

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. 

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" 

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" 

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

Perfect Man

A woman finds a magic lamp. 

She rubs the lamp and the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of the lamp I will grant you 3 wishes" the woman replies " I only have 1 wish genie, I want the perfect man. 

A man who won’t hit me, a man who won’t leave me and of course give me the best sex I’ve ever had". 

The genie says "your wish is granted at noon tomorrow your perfect man will arrive". 

The woman is very excited and could hardly wait but just as the genie said noon the next day her doorbell rang. 

She jumped up, raced to the door opened the door and to her surprise there was a man lying on the ground with no arms or legs. 

The woman said "what the hell is this, I asked for the perfect man not cripple who are you". 

The man replied "I am your perfect man I have no arms so I can’t hit I have no legs so I can’t leave you" 

She said "what about the best sex I’ve ever had" 

He said "what do you think I rang the doorbell with".

A mother & her 3 daughters

A Mother had 3 vir.gin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their s*x life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital s*x felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop" .

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted !!!!