Cancer Patient

A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.

Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. 

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." 

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" 

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. 

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. 

The third nun fainted.

An Old Accountant

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Classroom

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.  

She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. 

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. 

Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. 

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: 

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Two Deaf

Two deaf people get married. 

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. 

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? 

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. 

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

The way of Thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

100 Bucks

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

The Alien

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. 

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. 

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. 

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" 

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" 

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." 

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. 

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. 

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" 

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" 

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

Perfect Man

A woman finds a magic lamp. 

She rubs the lamp and the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of the lamp I will grant you 3 wishes" the woman replies " I only have 1 wish genie, I want the perfect man. 

A man who won’t hit me, a man who won’t leave me and of course give me the best sex I’ve ever had". 

The genie says "your wish is granted at noon tomorrow your perfect man will arrive". 

The woman is very excited and could hardly wait but just as the genie said noon the next day her doorbell rang. 

She jumped up, raced to the door opened the door and to her surprise there was a man lying on the ground with no arms or legs. 

The woman said "what the hell is this, I asked for the perfect man not cripple who are you". 

The man replied "I am your perfect man I have no arms so I can’t hit I have no legs so I can’t leave you" 

She said "what about the best sex I’ve ever had" 

He said "what do you think I rang the doorbell with".

A mother & her 3 daughters

A Mother had 3 vir.gin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their s*x life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital s*x felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop" .

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted !!!!

At the Bull acution

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. 
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: 

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." 
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, 
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!" 

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." 

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. 
What do YOU say to that?!" 

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. 

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" 
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, 
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" 

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! 
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

Olympic Bloopers !!!

Hilarious and funny accident during Olympics. However we slute the Participants.

The Bride tells her Hubby

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a vir.gin and I don’t knowanything about s*e*x. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘theprison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put theprisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes butthe girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives hima suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recentlyborn foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,OKAY!

40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Funny & Sexy Ad...

Funny and Sexy NIKE Advertisement...
Really funny.

Jackie Chan's Funny Ad...

Jackie Chan's Funny VISA card commercial....

shortest ESSAY

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the World's shortest essay competition.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his Imagination and humor .... Here's an example of absolute Brilliance....


Shortest Essay: An English university creative writing class was asked to write a Concise essay containing the following elements: 1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

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The prize-winner wrote:"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is."

smart STUDENT & PROFESSOR

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.

 

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

A Chinese speaking to A Chinese operator...

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Awesome Reply...

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed. The mood was so bad.

My friend asked me -"Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other.

Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP.

The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the sweet manager replied
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"Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results.

Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer.

We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"